A Nightmare In Portland
by Irrepressable
Summary: When the Doctor finds out that Jackie and Rose are in America visiting relatives, he doesn't hesitate in seeking Rose out. Unfortunately, seeking her out means surviving the 26th of November in a house full of Jackie's relatives.


The Doctor cared about Rose Tyler- in a platonic sense, of course. Platonic or not, his level of fondness for her was fairly high. They were two people who cared deeply for one another and would do just about anything for eachother. He wasn't sure what one would call that particular category. Regardless of what that category was, he really would do anything for her. He'd even shave his sideburns for her. This fondness and concern was why he had dropped her off to stay with Jackie for a while. The Doctor needed to stop for parts at a planet where humans were shot on sight. He missed her deeply while she was gone. For an entire week, he had literally been counting down the seconds until he saw her again. That was why, when he arrived back on Earth, he was eager to get out of the TARDIS and see Rose again. Unfortunately, he did not get his wish. When he arrived, he called out, "Rose, I'm back!"

He hoped that she was watching, waiting for him. He waited ten minutes and thirty-nine-point-eight-three seconds. She still didn't come. He waited exactly five more minutes before he headed up to approach the dwelling. He looked in through the window. All the lights were off. There was no Rose. There wasn't even the dreaded Jackie. The residence was empty. Immediately, he became worried. That was, until someone spoke. "They're not there." a woman said.

The Doctor looked at the woman and asked, "Where are they?"

"Jackie and Rose went to America to visit some relatives. Someplace called Portland." the woman replied.

"Portland." the Doctor said with a grin, pleased now that he knew where they were.

It looked like he was going to Portland! Happy that he would be able to quickly find Rose again, the Doctor swung the TARDIS' door open and dashed inside before slamming the door behind him. The TARDIS let out an annoyed hum. "Sorry." the Doctor apologized "I'm a bit excited. You understand."

The Doctor then began to merrily press buttons on the console, dancing around as he set the coordinates for Portland. He then pulled the lever to set the TARDIS in motion. He was excited. He would see Rose Tyler in Portland!

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

As Rose Tyler stepped out of her cousin's car, the car that had taken her from the airport, she gazed at the house in front of her. It was a fairly large house. It would accomodate a fairly large number of guests. It had been a long time since she had visited these relatives in America. They had insisted that she and her mother arrive on the 25th of November. Tomorrow was a day of significance in America. She hadn't been here on that particular day before, but she was excited to be able to experience it. Her mother seemed particularly pleased. It was probably both because she hadn't seen these relatives in a while and because she didn't have to deal with a certain rude alien. Rose did look forward to seeing the Doctor again, but it probably would be a few days before she could see him again. It was time for her to see her relatives. She paused. Then she heard her mother's voice behind her. "Go on, then! Knock on the door!"

Rose looked at her mother, who was carrying two suitcases. Rose then looked back at the door and knocked. The door quickly opened. The person who answered the door was a blonde woman about Jackie's age. She was wearing bell-bottom jeans, a peasant blouse, and a green headband. When Rose saw her, the word 'hippie' came to mind. Interestingly enough, the hippie bore a striking resemblance to Jackie. "Welcome, Rose!" the hippie woman said warmly.

The hippie-looking woman then stepped out of the way and allowed Jackie and Rose to enter the house. There were many people gathered in the house, most of them blonde. One of them, a teenage boy, took Rose and Jackie's bags, probably up to one of the guest rooms. Jackie turned to face the hippie-looking woman. Suddenly, the Tyler woman lunged at the hippie and hugged her. "It's great to see you, Harmony Laurel!" Jackie squealed

"It's been too long, Jackie!" Harmony replied happily, hugging Jackie back.

The hug was fairly brief. Harmony then turned to Rose and said, "Come on, Rose, give us a hug!"

Rose, of course, happily gave Harmony a hug. When the two women separated, Harmony smiled and said, "You've gotten so big, Rose! Last time I saw you, you were this tall!" As Harmony said this, she put her hand level with her waist.

"I'm sorry I don't remember you very well." Rose apologized.

"Ah, that's okay." Harmony replied. "It was a long time ago and you haven't seen me since."

The hippie woman turned and getured towards the multiple people in the house. "Come on." Harmony said. "Let's re-introduce you to the family!"

Harmony led Rose and Jackie to the living room, where most of the people were located. They were gathered around the telly. Immediately, Jackie sat down. Rose looked at all of the faces around her. Harmony pointed to a rather severe-looking man in glasses. His blond hair had touches of grey in it. Sitting next to him was a thin blonde woman. Harmony pointed to the severe-looking man and said, "This is my brother, Andrew."

Harmony then gestured towards the thin woman and said, "This is his wife, Lisa."

A boy of about sixteen with black hair and dark clothes sat on the couch, playing his portable gaming system. The boy looked at Harmony and smiled, which the hippie woman reciprocated. "That's their son, Andy."

Harmony indicated girl who was the mirror image of Lisa, with the exception of her nose. She had her father's nose and she looked to be about twelve. "That's Mercedes."

An elderly couple was sitting on one of the couches, smiling at eachother. It was heart-warming. "These," Harmony said, "Are me and Andrew's parents, your great-uncle and great-aunt, Calvin and Mabel Brown. My mother is your mother's father's sister."

Harmony walked over to a young man about Rose's age who was reading a book on the other sofa. "Last but not least," she aid, "This is my son, Joe."

"Hello." Rose said. "I'm Rose Tyler."

Lisa turned her nose up and said, "She seems pretty well behaved, despite being _your_ daughter, Jackie."

Rose was clearly very upset at the blatant insult coming from a woman who was essentially a family member. Jackie quickly shot back, "Don't call me a bad mother. You're the one who wants your daughter to get plastic surgery."

"A little bit of improving never hurt." Lisa said arrogantly. "Speaking of improvements, how did your last failed diet go?"

"Well enough." Jackie replied. "How'd your last nose job go?"

In the background, the voice of Calvin called out, "Go Jackie!"

Lisa raised her chin haughtily and walked away. "Never did like that woman." Jackie said.

"Don't hate, Jackie." Harmony said serenely. "Love is the answer."

"She insulted my mum." Rose said with a frown.

"Lisa's a hater." Harmony replied. "Don't listen to her. She's nothing but bad vibes. I'm going to get some incense burning to clear away the negative energy she's left behind."

With that, Harmony left, leaving behind a trail of good feelings and serenity. Rose raised a brow and looked at Jackie. "She's odd, that one, but she's not bad." Jackie said. "Now go, chat with the others. You won't see them again for a while."

Rose nodded with a smile and headed off to visit her mother's relatives. She noticed an empty spot on the sofa and sat down. Andy looked at her appraisingly before saying. "You don't seem _too_ bad."

"Thanks, I think." Rose replied.

"What have you been up to?" Andrew asked.

"Travelling a bit for the last couple years." Rose said with a smile. "With a friend."

"I remember travelling." Andrew said wistfully. "Your friend, she must be a good friend if you've been travelling together for a couple years."

"Right." Rose said, looking away. "She."

Andrew raised a brow and asked, "It _is_ a she, isn't it?"

"No." Rose admitted. "But he's absolutely brilliant! I wouldn't have it any other way."

"If by 'brilliant' you mean a total nutter..." Jackie grumbled

"There'd better not be any funny business going on between you two." Andrew said with a scowl. "Anything tawdry or immoral."

"Immoral?" Rose questioned.

"He's talking about sex." Mercedes said flatly.

"Mercedes!" Andrew snapped

Rose turned red and held her hands out placatingly. "No! No sex! Not me and the Doctor."

"There'd better not be." Jackie said with a scowl.

An herbal scent began to fill the air. Harmony had returned. "Calm down, Andrew. Calm down." Harmony said serenely. "We're here as family. We should love one another, not judge one another."

Andrew seemed to want to say something, but he didn't. Rose leaned in the direction of Jackie and asked, "How long are we going to be here?"

"Until the 27th." Jackie replied.

Rose held back a groan. It was going to be a long three days.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The very next day, breakfast was a surprisingly calm affair. It was probably because everybody was too sleepy to fight. After everyone had their coffee, it was back to the tension. The tension seemed to build as the day went on. When the tension in the air seemed thick enough to cut with a knife, everyone sat down on the sofa to watch a parade on the telly. Things calmed down for a bit, but it was very loud. Over the noise, she could have sworn that she had heard a familiar groaning, grinding sound. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Rose, who was the closest to the exit of the living room, stood up and said, "I'll get it."

The young Tyler woman made her way over to the front door before opening the door and answering it. When she saw who was standing outside, grinning broadly at her, Rose got the surprise of her life. "Doctor?" Rose gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to find you." The Doctor replied. "I checked Jackie's place, but you weren't there. One of your neighbors said that you were over in America in the city of Portland, so I took the TARDIS there. I spent all day looking for you, but it turned out that I was in the wrong Portland!"

Rose heard someone approaching from behind. She turned to see who it was and saw that it was Harmony. When Rose looked back at the Doctor, she saw that he seemed apprehensive. "Well, what are you waiting for, Rose?" Harmony asked in her typical friendly manner. "You clearly know the man. Why don't you invite him in?"

Rose stepped aside and said, "Come in, Doctor."

The Time Lord stepped into the house, walking past Rose, who closed the door behind them. Harmony smiled at them before walking away. The Doctor leaned in to talk quietly and asked, "Rose, who is that? She looks just like Jackie!"

"Oh, that's Harmony." Rose explained. "She's mum's cousin."

"So you're staying here with Jackie's cousin?" the Doctor inquired, still apprehensive.

"Cousins." Rose corrected. "She has another cousin here, too. And their kids. And mum's aunt and uncle."

"And they're all related to Jackie." The Doctor said quietly.

"Yes." Rose replied.

The Doctor seemed to be taking this remarkably well. "Excuse me." the Doctor said. "I need to go outside for a moment."

With that, the Time Lord walked to the door, opened it, walked out, and closed it behind him. Rose, of course, followed. When she saw the Doctor, his behavior was strange and almost funny. He was at the door of the TARDIS. He tried to open it, but it wouldn't let him. He kept trying, pleading that it let him in. Finally, he got on his knees and said, "Look, I don't beg often, but I'm begging you now. Please, _please_ , do not leave me in a house full of Jackies!"

"Doctor, they're not bad." Rose said, making her presence known. "I think you'd like Harmony. Please come back in."

The Doctor saw the hopeful expression on Rose's face and, after a fight with himself, relented. He nodded. He then gave the house a long, hard look before heading back in. When he was inside, he allowed Rose to lead him to the living room. The young blonde smiled and said, "Everyone, this is the Doctor. He's the one I've been travelling with."

"A doctor." Lisa said with a smile. "What are you a doctor of?"

"A lot of things." the Doctor replied.

"So, Doctor," Lisa inquired, "Have you ever participated in Thanksgiving?"

Well, he had actually participated in the _first_ Thanksgiving, but he knew enough not to tell her that. So, the Doctor lied, "Not really."

"Oh, you're going to love it." Lisa gushed. "The parade, sports, a turkey dinner, giving thanks- it's a good holiday."

"I think it would be awkward for me to eat a turkey." Harmony commented. "I talked to one when I visited the commune."

"Really?" the Doctor said brightly. "Me too! Surprisingly knowledgeable about physics, that one."

Lisa and Andrew gave the Doctor a funny look. "I like him." Mabel said. "He's funny."

"He's weird." Mercedes whined. "He's wearing a _suit_ with _those shoes_!"

"There's nothing wrong with the way he's dressed." Rose defended him. "I _like_ the way he's dressed."

Once again, the tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife. The Doctor seemed to notice this. "Well," he said in an unneccessarily chipper manner. "What's this about a turkey dinner?"

"We only use turkeys raised in a humane environment and fed a natural diet." Harmony said.

Many of the others in the room rolled their eyes. Harmony continued, "We also have mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, glazed carrots, and yams."

The Doctor suddenly became very interested. "What's that about banana cream pie?"

"It's my own recipe." Harmony said with a smile. "I only use real fresh bananas. None of that artificial freeze dried mix stuff."

The Doctor turned to Rose and said, "I like her."

"Shut up, both of you." Andrew snapped. "I'm trying to watch the parade!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It took all day, but with Mabel's help, Harmony had put together a very nice-looking meal. The Doctor was upset that he had to wait until after he had eaten some turkey to partake in the banana cream pie. So he sat there, eating his meal as the tension filled the air. Jackie was currently on her fourth glass of wine. She was sitting on one side of Rose and the Doctor was sitting on the other. Finally, someone spoke. It was Mabel. "So, Doctor, you've been travelling with Rose?"

"Yep." the Doctor replied, popping the 'p'

"And you two are very close, I assume?" Mabel asked.

"Very close." the Doctor said with a nod.

"As close as a man and a woman can be?" Mabel questioned.

The Doctor paused and said, "I suppose so."

Rose opened her mouth and closed it. She then looked at the Doctor, who smiled at her before taking another bite of his turkey. Mabel looked at the two and smiled knowingly. "If that's the case," Mabel said, "Then I'd better see a ring on Rose's finger next time I see you two."

The reactions to Mabel's statement varied from person to person. Rose turned extremely red, Jackie spat out her wine, and the Doctor began choking on his food. The generally silent goth boy, Andy, got out of his seat and ran behind the Doctor, on whom he then performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bite of turkey flew out of his mouth before landing across the table on Lisa's plate. Lisa and Andrew both looked at the piece of half-chewed turkey in horror and disgust. Andy snickered and his parents glared at him. Joe didn't snicker. He straight-up laughed. "Joseph Brown, how could you laugh at this disrespectful display aimed at my wife?" Andrew barked. He then scowled and added, "Though I suppose I'd expect nothing less from a godless sodomite."

"There's no call for that!" Andy said. "Can you _please_ rein in the homophobia? For god's sake, Rose's boyfriend is here!"

"I'm not her boyfriend!" the Doctor insisted.

"He's not my boyfriend!" Rose said at the same time as the Doctor. "He's not even attracted to me!"

"You're thin and pretty." Lisa deadpanned. "And he's not attracted to you."

"No, he's not." Rose said, upset for some reason.

"Rose-" the Doctor began

"Clearly, he's gay." Lisa said with a smirk. "You sure know how to pick them, Rose."

"Am not!" the Doctor said with a gasp.

"Be calm, everyone." Harmony said. "Today is a day for love. We need to love everyone."

"You see, it's talk like that that caused your son to be that way, Harmony." Andrew snapped.

"Can we _please_ act like civilized people?" Calvin asked. "Maybe behavior like this is why Jackie and Rose never visit!"

"Most of your guests _aren't_ civilized people, Dad." Andrew replied. "A hippie, a sodomite, a whore, and a madman- they're ruining Thanksgiving!"

The argument went on and on and on before, finally, Rose had enough. She abruptly stood up and shouded, "Would everybody please SHUT UP?"

Everybody froze. Rose breathed heavily before saying, "You're all just... what the hell is wrong with you? You invited me and my mum over here and you all act like- augh!"

The silence went on a bit longer before Harmony spoke up. "Would anyone like dessert?"

"Dessert sounds lovely." Rose replied.

"I can't eat dessert." Mercedes said with a huff. "Mama says it'll make me fat."

"Your mother needs to chill." Harmony said with her typical serenity. "Children should eat dessert."

"I don't want my daughter to turn into some obese pig!" Lisa snapped at Harmony.

"Chill." Harmony said calmly. "Be happy."

"I can't be happy about this." Lisa grumbled.

"Have some banana cream pie." Harmony suggested. "There's no problem that can't be solved with bananas."

The Doctor looked at Harmony before leaning in to whisper to Rose, "I _really_ like her."

By this time, Jackie was on her sixth glass of wine. Who could blame her? She had flown this far only to find out that Andrew was an even bigger asshole than before. Andrew had a superficial daughter and a goth son who almost never spoke. And his wife... oh, don't even get her started on Andrew's wife. At least Harmony was not terrible. A bit odd, but not terrible. Speaking of Harmony, the woman had just stood up. Harmony held up her own wine glass and said, "A toast- to family."

Andrew reluctantly grumbled, "To family- even if my sister's son is a godless sodomite."

"To family." Joe said. "Even if my uncle is a complete dickhole."

"To family." Jackie added. "Even if each and every one of them is a complete nutter."

The Doctor seemed distinctly uncomfortable. Rose reached over and patted him on the shoulder. Jackie stood up and announced, "I'm going to the guest room. Rose... do whatever."

The elder Tyler then left, leaving Rose alone with her crazy relatives and the Doctor. Rose looked at the Time Lord. He looked at Rose. Harmony looked at the both of them. She smiled and said, "Go have fun, you two. Chill and be happy, and don't forget to visit again."

"Right." Rose said. "I'll just excuse myself."

The young woman then got up and left the table. The Doctor followed her. When they were a safe distance away, Rose looked at the Doctor and asked, "Do you think we could go somewhere and get back in time for me to leave with my mum?"

"Well," the Doctor said, "I do know of this planet where everything is made of cheese, and I mean _everything_."

"What are we waiting for?" Rose asked.

"Right-o, Rose Tyler!" the Doctor declared, walking over to the TARDIS and attempting to open the door.

The door opened and the Doctor and Rose walked in. When the door closed behind her, the Doctor put his arm around Rose's shoulders and said, "To the cheese planet and back, eh, Rose?"

"To anywhere and back." Rose replied with a grin. "But the 'back' part can wait until tomorrow."

"I couldn't agree more, Rose." the Doctor said, still smiling. "I couldn't agree more."


End file.
